A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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