Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize