Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
cat food counts as protein by the way
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
