and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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