Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
