I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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