Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
