We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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