At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
