It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
