i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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