once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
