saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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