hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
