you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
