I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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