Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
