mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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