Did you just see the Batmobile???
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
