erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
