Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
