we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
