He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
