Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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