All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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