I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Come share oat with me in your robe
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
