your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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