look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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