i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
