Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
