if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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