Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
