His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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