I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
