Kiss
Puke
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
