You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
