I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
