U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
