drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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