I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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