Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
