I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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