my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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