I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
