why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize