you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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