that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
