Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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