i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize