I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How does one acquire holy water?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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