You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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