I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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