i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
