just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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