The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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