Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
