I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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