john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
