My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Enjoy the penises
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
