Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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