nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
