woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
