My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
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