Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
