Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize