Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
