I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
