You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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